Heartache: What if your blessings come through raindrops...

(Written week of April 17th...missing #2 immensely today)

Well, the blog has been on a little bit of a standstill, but our little family has recently gone through heartbreak that I've teetered back and forth whether or not to share in BlogWorld. But alas, I decided that it is a HUGE part of the journey and story of our family, and with this being Holy Week, where we are remembering the suffering and death of Jesus and the hope that His resurrection brings, this was appropriate time and place to share such a story...

It's our story of #2...

Yes, probably almost a month ago, I took one of these! Actually, two of these, b/c just like with Caleb, I didn't believe the first test. We were trying but just going through the weaning stage with Caleb, so I wasn't sure if we'd be "successful" or not.

Needless to say, we were! And it's hard to describe the feelings at the sight of that word "Pregnant." It's sheer awe...like "oh my, there is life inside me!" I remember feeling SUCH joy but also an overwhelming peace. And for the better part of the day, I daydreamed and enjoyed the "secret" inside me. I could barely contain myself from not telling Kenny but we had a busy day planned and didn't want to just blurt it out...

So in between two excursions for the day, I handed him a card, which he thought was an anniversary card for my parents that I wanted him to read over before giving to them. BUT it was actually a "Congratulations, you're going to be a daddy again!" card. Actually, funny funny story about the card...I grabbed one quickly off the store shelf that said "Congratulations" on the outside but was in such a rush, I didn't even look on the inside. When I went to fill out the card, the inside read "and best wishes for continued success!" We got a kick out of that...

So for the night, we were giddy again...talking, dreaming, planning, and wondering if we'd be able to handle two under two. Baby #2's bday would have been end of November, just catching the end of the season for the Fall baby I wanted so badly.

Would have been...yes, the very next day after the two positive pregnancies tests, our joy and excitement were quickly overshadowed by worry and concern, as I started bleeding. I think I knew from the get-go that something was just not "right." I visited a new doctor the next day, as I had some bad experiences through our practice that delivered Caleb, and after a visit and a few days of bloodtests, it was confirmed that we did in fact lose the baby...

I was probably only about 5 weeks along, so it was a very early miscarriage. In fact, had we not been trying, had I not had some occassions where I said, "I'm either sick or I'm pregnant..." I probably would have never taken a test and never known.

But I did. And the moment that I learned the miracle of life was inside me, I bonded with that sweet, precious life.

But I trust in God's plan. And trust is actually a huge lesson I have learned through this. I do not believe that God does these things to us, but I do believe in His grace, He teaches us things even, and sometimes especially, through heartbreak. It was one of those moments that God drew me nearer, nearer and deepened my trust...and compassion...

Having an early miscarriage is a very strange thing b/c NO ONE knows what you are going through unless you tell them. You don't look or act pregnant so only those you tell, know. So there I was sitting in meetings, conversing with friends, stopping to pick up groceries...all the while, full of fear that I was losing the life inside me. And that really made me stop and think about how many other people must be going through some sort of heartache behind the scenes that no one else knows about; hence, this overwhelming lesson to ALWAYS show compassion to those around you!

And grieving a life also makes you incredibly thankful for life in general...Not a day goes by that I am not overflowing with gratitude for the healthy, happy little boy the we have been blessed with. I didn't think it was possible, but I believe this whole experience has made me cherish him even more than I already did.

So, this is our story of #2, and just like #1 continues to mold and grow us day in and day out, #2 has certainly changed our lives as well. We may always associate #2 with some amount of heartache and I know when November 30, 2011 rolls around, my heart will ACHE, BUT we are choosing to be thankful for the lessons that this little life taught us. #2, we may have only carried you a little while but forever love you and are thankful for how you have grown us.

This song brought me a ton of comfort through it all...